The Newness of Winter

I had the privilege of taking a little retreat with a dear friend over New Years and celebrate my 3 month anniversary of living in BIH! Even more this little getaway allowed me the space to anticipate 2009 which essentially meant wondering at the uncertainty of it all. I guess we never really can anticipate what is coming next because life is so unpredictable, but somehow living in another culture emphasizes that fact.

The one thing I was sure of was that it was going to be one of the coldest winters of my life. Now that probably isn’t saying much since I have lived on the west coast my whole life and the most severe weather I experienced was in Seattle. And rain isn’t all that fun, but it wasn’t too extreme. Now living in Sarajevo, I am getting a whole new seasonal education. For example, I had never contemplated prior to this that there were different and thicker types of long johns, gloves or scarves depending on the severity of the cold. In my opinion if you needed any of these things it was cold enough. I never thought so hard about having waterproof shoes, with traction (to not slip in the snow) and that also kept your feet warm. Yup, all new to me. And in a place where your feet are your main means of transportation…you want to keep them comfortable. 

And this kind of cold affects your mentality and attitude about life. Your options are limited and there is a sense of feeling trapped. The only alternatives for “fun” things to do are staying at home, walking outside in the freezing cold or sitting in ridiculously smokey cafes ( I am getting accustomed to smelling like an ash tray).  It really changes your perspective. 

Yet as I was looking ahead to the winter it felt oddly appropriate for where I am in my relationship to Bosnian culture. The honeymoon/tourist phase is definitely over and it is all becoming more real and I find myself clashing with the culture more than before. It can be really challenging and I know that this new phase will continue on for a while.

It is the winter of my adjustment.

And yet this is where we start our New Year, right in the beginning of winter (at least for us Northern Hemisphere-ers!). We begin in the most severe of weather. Why? It seems like this is pattern of life, that you must face the darkness in order to really experience the light. And just the same, I think we need to endure this severity in order to understand the gift of spring. But in the meantime I want more than trying to “get through” till spring. I want to thrive in this challenging, but soul shaping season. Because I really do think it is possible to have joy, even in the winter of our lives. Maybe these are in fact the times when joy is the most possible. A real, raw joy that can only be divine, because it is so other than what the world gives. So I will choose joy this winter not on my own strength, but by leaning on the one who makes all things new. This is my prayer.

“We realize that nothing else works”

This was a Bosnian pastor’s response to my question “What is the vision behind the ‘2008 year of prayer” in Bosnia?” 

I asked him this at a recent prayer conference which was the last in a series of conferences for this event  ”Year of Prayer.” They had 2 other conferences this past year focusing on praying for different regions of Bosnia. In this conference we prayed for specific cities, villages and churches in Northern Bosnia. We prayed collectively, in small groups and went on prayer walks. We also spent a good amount of time in worship and prayer through music. 

A map of BIH indicating the different cities represented at the conference.

But this pastor’s response truly showed the spirit behind the conference. The church of BIH (Bosnia-Herzegovina) has realized that they need to root themselves in prayer as they seek the transformation, healing and restoration of their country. They can’t afford to wrap themselves in the comfort of numbers… how many people are: coming to church, choosing salvation, serving, in Bible study, etc… because those numbers do not reflect their tireless work for God. For whatever reason, the church of BIH has not seen many results, but what is so beautiful is that they are staying faithful despite great discouragement. This faithfulness is founded in the earnest and constant prayers for God’s grace to rain down on BIH. 

For me, this statement was simple and so incredibly profound. Especially thinking of my typical American background that is strongly rooted in strategy, tactics and results. I was thinking how pleased God must be with the underlying humility in this pastor’s statement. He was essentially saying: we can’t pretend that we can do it on our own. And of course I was humbled and convicted that I often to default to thinking that I can. That is definitely one of the reasons I am here, to repent and to grow in knowing that it is only in Jesus that I can do anything of heavenly significance. And just as important, we are called to be faithful and obedient… NOT successful. 

To be honest, in the past I would shudder at the idea of the prayer conference. I definitely have a negative stereotype of prayer conferences. They seem so inward focused, so “Christian,” so cliche and frankly pretty boring. I don’t want to be sitting in a room praying and singing, I want to be out in the world serving and taking risks for Jesus. Yet the two must go hand in hand. I must embrace the fullness of who God is, which means spending time being with Him– listening, asking, interceding, praising and being still. It is all part of the picture. As well, as going out and doing the work to which He has called me. Because if I don’t spend time in conversation with God, I will switch to the default and go out thinking that I can change the world. Pretty terrifying thought. Thank God for his kindness that He is gently helping me realize these things and changing me. 

I have been reading Acts lately and am struck by the power and directness of the Holy Spirit in the disciples lives. I pray that I can be that dependent, that in tune and that aware of how the Holy Spirit is at work. So I can have the same attitude of the pastor who knows in the depth of his being, that without the Holy Spirit nothing works.

Djesi Jessie?

 

Some of my dear "Djesi Jessie" friends- Jelena and Sara

“Djesi” is a Bosnian phrase that is a shortened version of “Gdje si?” which literally means “where are you?” But it is used similarly as “what’s up?” or even “how’s it going” in English. It is primarily used with good friends and in this incredibly social culture you will hear “Djesi” all the time as people pass by each other in the streets. Now if you have noticed this phrase also sounds a whole lot like “Jessie” or another way of saying my name. I will confess that I was really confused when I first started hearing it and kept turning around whenever it was said. I knew that I definitely was not that popular to have people calling my name all the time, but remained puzzled because although my teammate’s name is also Jessica I knew that Jessica is not a popular name here by any means. So what was going on? I finally asked some of my Bosnian friends and they explained its meaning. They realized right away why I was so confused and that it sounded like my name and couldn’t help but laughing at my bewilderment. I told them that yes, I am that self centered that I thought a common phrase like “Djesi” was actually the entire Sarajevo community trying to get my attention. So now they like to tease me by saying “Djesi Jessie?”  I appreciate it, but I will admit that as hard as I try to train myself to not respond to “Djesi” as someone calling me… I still have some work to do. 

But isn’t “Djesi” or “where are you” such a great question? In my 6+ weeks here in Sarajevo I seem to ask myself that question frequently. Sometimes it has been in a literal sense because I found myself completely disoriented in this new city of mine. Other times in a cultural sense. In simple things like unlocking doors, using vacuum cleaners and doing laundry… all of those realities of life that become daunting when they must be done in a new way. Or when people start rattling off to me in Bosnian at a tram stop or in my apartment building making the perfectly appropriate assumption that  I actually know their language. And especially as I begrudgingly respond,  ”Oprostite, govorim samo malo bosanski” (Sorry, I speak only a little Bosnian), frustrated that despite my tireless effort that I can’t manage with the Bosnian I have already learned. (Seriously,  I could know every vocabulary word that is spoken, but I am caught so off guard in those moments that I can’t understand a thing. Ugh!).  

A place where I walk often and stop to ask myself "Djesi?"

But mostly I have been pausing to ask myself “djesi?” because in this beginning stage in a new culture, a new language, a new community, etc… it is the only way to maintain any sense of cohesion or sanity. I am so thankful for this “pre-ministry” time where I don’t have any official leadership responsibilities other than language learning (which is quite a large task in itself, but no matter) so I could have space to process and seek God in this transition. In my core I have always feared slowing down and being alone, because that meant acknowledging the chaos inside. Yet in this more relaxed environment and with God’s incredible healing work in my life, I have been able to see God’s kingdom coming all around me. So I wonder are my thoughts from my time in Bosnia starting to sound redundant? Maybe it is because I am a slow learner or maybe because it is so essential to my spiritual growth that God has continually been teaching me about waiting, listening, patience and depending completely on him. Praise the Lord for his calling  for me here because it is in this context and through good, God glorifying aspects of Bosnian culture that I am really able to take in these important values and strive to integrate them into my character.  

As I reflect on this, I am reminded of a Psalm that I have been meditating on lately that never fails to elicit a deep, soulful gratitude for the beautiful God that we have. The entire Psalm is truly breathtaking, but I particularly love this verse, Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. -Psalm 116:7

I guess the only appropriate response to that is… Amen.

Manna

The Biblical concept of “manna” is becoming more and more real to me.  It is introduced in Exodus 16, just after the Israelites have been freed from captivity in Egypt. Manna is the “bread from heaven” that God rains down each morning to provide for the Israelites as they are on the road to the promised land and traveling through the desert. My favorite part of this story is why the Lord begins to provide the manna, “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites.” (16:12). Of course they were grumbling… I mean God had just freed them from their enslavement to the Egyptians, but it isn’t it human nature to find something the next day to grumble about? (Wow, that pretty much describes me!)  Anyways, the manna was only rained down in the morning and no matter how much the Israelites gathered it was always just enough for the day-never too much, never too little. Apparently God wasn’t into preservatives because if the Israelites chose to disobey God’s orders and keep the manna over night it would be moldy and full of maggots the next day.  The design of manna was for the Israelites to be fully dependent on God each day and as the Lord declared to Moses, “to know that I am the Lord your God.” 

Well I can’t say that I have bread on the ground each morning, but I do have an incredible “pekara” or bakery across the street from my apartment that bakes fresh bread… and truly desiring to integrate into Bosnian culture I find myself there every few days. But in a more metaphorical sense, I do see the manna of God rain down exactly when I need it.  You see in Bosnia my entire perspective of time and schedule are turned upside down– having a day planner is pretty much a joke. Yet this frees people up to be spontaneous and truly live in the moment. I know that relatively to Americans that I do thrive in the spontaneity of life, but here I am probably viewed as incredibly scheduled and uptight because the Bosnian mentality is definitely an adjustment, even for me! And as I take in the newness of the culture, language, customs, etc… and go through the emotional highs and lows of missing my old life… I often feel physically fatigued and spiritually empty. Yet just when I think that I am at the end of my capacity, God rains down manna in the form of…. a successful interaction in Bosnian at the market (meaning I actually understood and hopefully spoke some Bosnian), random skype conversation with my dear friends from home, meeting a new friend for coffee, getting a SMS (or text) from an old Bosnian friend, generous teammates that let me borrow their computer (until my gets fixed, still in the process)… right when I need it, not before or after, God graces me with this delicious and satisfying manna.

Now of course I grumble because I want to hoard my manna so I can plan out my meals, so I can know advance that I will be fed and feel good. And every time I try it is the same result– bread that is repulsive and could never satisfy.  Yet I am learning through the way God works in this culture that when I hold tightly to a schedule or plans that I cheapen my faith and I cheapen my trust in God as my provider and helper. A difficult lesson and one that frankly, I struggle with a lot. But I know that as I begin to loose my grasp on this false sense of control that I will experience a fullness of life that I never imagined before. Just keep praying for me to be faithful to growing in that trust

The Over Achiever’s Nightmare

Yes, this is my new description of language learning. It truly is the over achiever’s nightmare… and why is that? Because there is no end to it! You can never learn enough and the process is painfully slow. You also get to learn the beauty of humility and having to constantly ask for help. Whether that is when you are shopping and you just want to find out whether they have peanut butter… (now you might think I am extravagant for wanting that, but I swear my teammates found it!) Or if you are asking a very kind Bosnian to help you put into words what you are pitifully attempting to communicate in broken Bosnian. My favorite phrase is “kako se kaza…” or in english “how do you say…”.  Most people are incredibly patient, which is so nice.  Often they get a few laughs out of it.  For example,  when I was trying to communicate that I had previously lived in Bosnia for 2 months I kept tripping over the way to say “months.” So I was trying to say “mjesece” (or something like that )  and ended up saying “mjesecnica”.  Which she found pretty hilarious because apparently that is their word for menstruation.  It made me laugh really hard as well!  Luckily I made that mistake just in front of her! Oh dear… Another classic issue is whenever I am trying to say ” you write” I always fumble because that word in Bosnian is very close to the word “to pee.”  No joke! So I try to remember to say “pises” instead of “pisas”… ahhh!

So as you can tell I am staying true to my old self… I am still getting made fun of A LOT! If that is the price I pay to follow God’s call so be it! I could think of worse crosses to carry in life, right? But, everything requires such patience and there are times of  discouragement when I feel like I am never going to get it right. Leave it to me to feel that way after only 3 weeks of language learning! So another essential skill I am continuing to acquire is how to be patient and kind with myself and to choose to be joyful instead of self deprecating.  I am happy to say that with God’s immense grace and strength I find myself more often encouraged than discouraged. Hvala ti Gospode! (Thank you God!) I do ask for your prayers to stay strong, take heart and wait on God knowing that he wants me to learn this language and love Bosnian people in their heart language way more than I do! Also, please pray for a consistent language (or multiple) partner to practice my Bosnian with, this will be critical to knowing the language. I have a great tutor and already have a lot of amazing people around me encouraging me and helping me out. So praise God for that!

My computer is still getting fixed and so I don’t have the chance to get online much. But please send me any prayer requests that you have. I would love to pray for you! Thank you all so much for your prayers, thoughts, encouragement… it keeps me going!!!

Good news, Bad news…

Bad news… My computer is having some major issues… at this point it is pretty much completely broken and unusable.

Good news…They have a Mac store in Sarajevo and the people there are awesome! They were very professional and efficient. The store is located in a very convenient place downtown and they are taking care of it for me.

Bad news… (again, sorry!)…It is going to take 3 weeks to get the part they need to fix it.

So due to this velika problema (big problem) I will not be able to be on the internet or post very often.  Which I am sure depresses all of you.  But don’ t worry! I am provided for in so many ways here and at this moment I am using my teammates’ computer. They are oh so generous (love them!) and will let me use it when I need it. But obviously I won’t be as available as I would.

So, life does go on and in some ways it is good to not have an easily accessible computer (as much as I love hearing from you and very much appreciate and need your support) because according to a lot of the materials our team received about language learning the first few weeks are the most important time to be out and about.  This is the honeymoon stage of cross cultural adjustment which is the time where you are the most motivated to learn and take risks. So it has been a good thing to be pushed out of my comfort zone and engage people wherever and however I can. And at this point in my time here language learning is my job. I attend different EUS events and am meeting students at church, but the first few months are dedicated to getting oriented with the culture and really digging into language learning. Let me tell you, it keeps me busy. I have class a few times a week with a tutor who is excellent and she gives me a good amount of homework, but the biggest challenge is starting conversations with people in Bosnian. But I am doing it! As terrifying as it is, it is also pretty fun. Some people I have met work in coffee shops or stores and I try to visit often and practice. They are so patient with me (praise the Lord!) and it has been a good and humbling experience! My prayer is that God would work in a big way in those relationships I develop through language learning. Of course I look forward to the day when we can actually understand each other!

Dobar je Bog! God is good! There are so many great things happening here. Another great gift was that the Evangelical church here had a Balkan youth conference last weekend and Samuil Petrovski (IFES director in Serbia), his wife and his daughter were here in Sarajevo for it! I met Samuil when I was in Belgrade in 2005 and met his wife in Seattle the following year. It is always nice to see old faces and was so great to meet their precious daughter. God is so kind!

So much more to say, but I will spare you all Please keep me updated on you and send me your prayer requests. Will see the next time I can post…

Zauvijek Bog je Vjera

Forever God is faithful. 

A rooftop view of Sarajevo- my beautiful city

If I am learning anything here, I am learning more and more that God is faithful. I attended a wedding this past weekend and they had a time of worship before the ceremony where they sang this familiar American worship song “Forever” in Bosnian. It was pretty powerful. I continue to have that verse running around in my head…as I walk around this beautiful city, as I attempt to communicate with my pitiful Bosnian (but slowly see improvement), as I have coffee with my new and old Bosnian friends, as I spend time with my staff team, as I sit down and have time with the Lord, as I check my email or facebook and see all the encouraging words from all of you….  Zauvijek Bog je Vjera. Zauvijek Bog je Vjera. God’s faithfulness is so striking and I see it around me constantly. I think it is also the incredible faithfulness of His people in Bosnia that makes it so much more evident as well. So many challenges, but so much faithfulness. Slava ti Gospode! 

Vilsonovo Setaliste-- a walking path along the river Miljacka

The truth is that it doesn’t matter where you are in the world… God’s faithfulness is all around… but blame it on my humanity or lack of faith or whatever, but my eyes are opened wider here. May we have the eyes to see God at work and allow ourselves to be truly amazed by His faithfulness. His kindness and grace are actually quite astonishing, if we give ourselves the space to think about it.

Cross Cultural Realities

I am becoming more and more convinced that the key to cross cultural living is having the courage to humble yourself and  look like an idiot. I basically have to realize that whenever I step outside the safety of my apartment that the chances are very high that I am going to do something very uncool. Now, some of you might be thinking that doesn’t sound very different than my life in America and I would probably agree. But if you can even imagine in it, the chances are even higher here in Bosnia. Seemingly impossible, but it is the truth.  Like the other day– I am still trying to figure out the way locks work here in Bosnia because locks go on both sides of the door. So I nearly got locked inside my own apartment because I couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door. Then the same thing happened when I was trying to unlock the gate around the place I am staying at, so what was my solution? I jumped the fence of course! A very unsophisticated thing to do for a wannabe European woman such as myself… but oh well. 

Another thing that I am learning to embrace is the spiritual discipline of waiting. A lot of this is due to the book that some dear friends recommended to me called “When the Heart Waits” by Sue Monk Kidd. It is this amazing book all about how essential waiting and resting with God is to our spiritual and mental health. This has been such a great encouragement as I am in a situation where I am forced to wait for a lot of things. These things include: moving into my apartment, building community, understanding the ministry here, adjusting to the culture, learning the language, knowing my way around Sarajevo, knowing what I am doing tomorrow, etc… The great thing about it all is that since I am so aware of the need to wait and that I need to cultivate the gift of patience is that whenever I have that voice in my head rushing at me with all these questions, demands, expectations, fears, judgments… I choose to respond with “Wait!” And it actually works! I return to my focus on God and find that precious inner peace that only He gives. This is pretty much miraculous since all my human inclinations and patterns of my life tell me to run fast and to fear this idea of waiting for anything. Because when you wait you have to get real with yourself and look at that terrifying inner darkness… What can I say? I am a good American. BUT, I have to believe that the waiting is significant, because then I can look at every moment that God gives me in this process as a moment to treasure and appreciate. I just need to pay attention and not be distracted by what I am waiting for… because believe it or not… that is not the point! What a paradox! 

“God is offering an invitation. A call to waiting… I discovered that in the spiritual life, the long way around is the saving way. It isn’t the quick and easy religion we we’re accustomed to. It’s deep and difficult– a way that leads into the vortex of the soul where we touch God’s transformative powers. But we have to be patient. We have to let go and tap into our creative stillness. Most of all, we have to trust that our scarred hearts really do have wings.” – When the Heart Waits, Sue Monk Kidd

Boziji Blagoslovi. God bless.

Just Laugh!

I made it! I arrived safely in Bosnia this afternoon after a relatively positive traveling experience. There is a lot I could say about this journey, because whenever you are alone with your thoughts for 24 hours (and sleep deprived) stuff comes up…  but I want to share with you a part of it that I sense will be a lesson that I will need to keep with me.

After the first leg of my journey landing me in JFK- New York City airport, I had one of those tricky connections because I was also switching airlines which in the world of huge airports means A LOT OF HASSLE. So JFK has 8 terminals with a subway like contraption that takes you from one terminal to the next, but it also connects with the New York subway. You still following? Yeah, it is pretty confusing. So I found myself in the midst of JFK chaos attempting to go to a different terminal with way too much carry on luggage (which did serve me later!) and after I finally navigated this quagmire I approached the ticketing counter to find out that although I was on a United flight the operating carrier was Lufhtansa which is in a completely different terminal. AH! I am sleep deprived, in the midst of the greatest transition of my life, body hurting from carrying way too much stuff and then find out that I am at the wrong terminal. I approach the ticket agent frustrated and at this point wanting to cry. He calmly pointed out my mistake and then sarcastically quipped, “were you looking to get in some exercise?” A seemingly insignificant humorous comment, but it was such a huge moment for me because I was reminded of the healing that comes when we are able to laugh at ourselves. Because when those inevitable instances come when you are frustrated, uncomfortable, embarrassed, etc… you come to a crossroads where you can either laugh at yourself and get over it or cry and be self pitying. And who in their right mind would consciously choose to cry knowing that laughter is such a better alternative?  Bearing in mind that I will be in a lot of situations in the next two years where I will feel all those negative feelings associated with the unfamiliar,  I hope that a majority of the time I choose to laugh. 

I did end up getting to my flight and the rest of the trip went smoothly. I didn’t get my luggage but because of my efficient use of the carry on options  (shout out to those great people that gave me the carry on backpack as a gift!) I should be fine for the next week. I have a great place to stay and amazing people that have already so warmly welcomed me into this beautiful country. Got no complaints!  Well, except the fact that I wish all of you could be here to enjoy this wonderful place with me!  I will definitely keep you updated on what I am up these next couple weeks. So expect another post from me soon! Looks like I have a lot of details to get taken care of and just recovering from jet lag, but there is also some other church events going on this weekend that I will try to participate in as much as my tired self allows. 

Prayers and Blessings!

Peace in Chaos

Upper park in Chico. A perfect place to seek out soul rest.

So tomorrow is the big day! I can’t believe I am finally at this point– tomorrow morning I am getting on a plane to Bosnia. On the other hand, it feels like this has been a very long process. So many feelings and thoughts involved in this journey, but what has surpassed them all is a beautiful and divine inner peace that has calmed me and focused me for the last month. As many of you know, my human reaction to this kind of change and transition is to become incredibly anxious, upset, etc… but that has not been the case and I am so incredibly thankful for that. God is so kind to me and I do not deserve it!  

I have been meditating on Psalm 62, Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress. I will never be shaken… Yes my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.  How beautiful and refreshing it is when in the midst of chaos and brokenness we can take the time to let our soul find rest in God. My prayer for you all is that you can seek out this peace in your life as well. It is such an amazing and gracious gift that God gives us if we allow him into our lives. It is so much better than trying to do it on our own! 

At my going away party in Chico. It was so perfect and I felt so loved! Thanks for all that came! Love you all!

I am so blessed to have you all in my life and have loved the moments we have had together. Thanks for all your hard work in arranging goodbye parties, helping me move and supporting me in the different ways that God has gifted you. It is with you all in my heart that I joyfully move on to this next chapter knowing that you are on my team. Would you take a moment now to pray for me- that I would have a continued peace in Christ, discipline in seeking that soul rest and safety in travel. 

I will let you know when I arrive in Bosnia as soon as I can. I should be there sometime on Thursday afternoon.